by Jolene McIlwain
Stories. My childhood home was filled with them. Mom’s drowned-puppy story. Dad’s ever-changing tale of his buddy jumping from a water tower, umbrella in hand, plunging into mud “up to his ankles.” “To his knees.” “His hips.” “Swallowed up in the mud.”
Stories. My childhood home was filled with them. Mom’s drowned-puppy story. Dad’s ever-changing tale of his buddy jumping from a water tower, umbrella in hand, plunging into mud “up to his ankles.” “To his knees.” “His hips.” “Swallowed up in the mud.”
They told stories of
work, family, tragic events. Neighbors brought their own—daily, at any given
hour. Cousins spooled
out yarns late at night, their tangled voices bouncing through our kitchen. I
stared at their knuckles tattooed with the letters of their names. They slipped
curse words into their descriptions, apologized, reworded, grinning at me.
Another relative, in a brown habit, his waist cinched with a rope, murmured his
tales through contemplative lips, ice-blue eyes darting. Whispered stories came
by way of lip-sticked aunts, long-nailed aunts, chewing-gum aunts. Barked-out
stories came by way of the constable and hard-of-hearing Mr. Riggle. They came
in clouds of Lucky Strikes, cigars, nasty cologne. They came with dandelion
wine, two fingers of Echo Springs, black coffee, and jugs of spring water. With
banana bread, zucchinis, deer bologna, fudge.
So many voices, tones,
gestures. I watched the stories as much as I listened. People acted out parts.
“Stand up. Here, I’ll show you how she hit him.” My father was the most
animated, clapping his hands to mimic the sound of a sucker punch, a gunshot, a
car’s bumper hitting a guardrail.
Parts of stories came
by way of the scanner, the CB, or the telephone, where we’d hear only one end
of the dialogue. Stories weren’t linear. They were circular, elliptical,
looming gaps I might fill by reading the newspaper’s obituaries and police
blotter, by hiding with friends in the crape myrtle to listen in on neighbors.
I’d pore over the dictionary, never able to find the hybrid-pidgin
American-Italian language of Dad and his friend, Sylvio. I’d ask to have
stories repeated, noting changes—embellishments, amendments, dropped sections.
Stories I read in
books at school were different. They had a beginning, middle, end.
Chronological order. Helpful transitions. Usually one narrator. Clear. Concise.
Perfect, proper English, deprived of what I would later learn were
regionalisms, idioms, colloquialisms, jargon. Back then I just thought we “talked
wrong.” I’d never seen the words nebby, redd-up, gumbands, dippy eggs, berms,
slippy, babushka, and baby buggy in the books I read. Coal miners, dope-heads,
and housewives weren’t the narrators. Stories weren’t told in snippets.
I adored all kinds of
books, but I wanted to see the types of stories I grew up on in books.
In college, I’d learn
about story acquisition, theory of mind, and how my family and friends may have
been some of my best teachers. Feminist theorists offered arguments about these
ways of storytelling
and inferred that they were legitimate. I was overwhelmed with relief that all
kinds of stories could be seen as valid, meaningful, and respected.
Vignettes: I read
Cisneros’s The House on Mango Street.
Multiple POVs: I read Faulkner’s As I Lay
Dying. Stories with gaps, intended ambiguity: I read everything by
Jeannette Winterson. Same stories told again and again, refined, amended,
reconsidered: I read O’Brien’s The Things
They Carried, Wallace’s Big Fish.
Part real/part magical: I read all of Morrison’s novels, Esquival’s Like Water for Chocolate, Stephen Fry’s Making History. Slang, hybrid language,
hybrid communities, sayings: I read Annie Proulx, Martin Amis, Louise Erdrich.
I was gathering a list of authors who told stories about the same people, the
same afflictions, and the same predicaments as my neighbors had told at our
kitchen table. Silko’s Ceremony,
Strout’s Olive Kitterage, Allison’s Bastard Out of Carolina, Anderson’s Winesburg, Ohio, Woodrell’s Winter’s Bone. Haruf’s Plainsong. Breece D’J Pancake. Bonnie Jo
Campbell. Jo Ann Beard. Pinckney Benedict.
I found authors who
used the same curse-words, loanwords, cadences, phonology, the same authority
of story told loudly, quietly, quickly, slowly, with gaps, tangents.
I read Ondaatje’s The Collected Works of Billy the Kid
which led me Julie Jung’s Revisionary
Rhetoric, Feminist Pedagogy, and Multigenre Texts. I researched everything
I could in order to understand the ways stories came into my childhood home and
to discover the authors who were experimenting with language and form.
And I finally gave
myself permission to write the kinds of stories I’d inherited because I finally
had the theory and language for the tools both my childhood storytellers and
classic and contemporary authors employed. Repetition, recurring motifs,
specific verbs, alliteration, scope of story, flash-forwards, backstory,
character names, concrete imagery, placement of the surprising word, targeting
audience, meter, tone, resonance, mood, pacing, narrative distance, and perhaps
the most crucial decision in storytelling: point of view. I am slowly knitting
these craft strategies and revelations together and gaining a better
understanding of what I’d sensed so long ago: the teller is just as important
as the telling and there is no one “right” way to tell a story.
No one could offer up
a hunting or fishing story, a well-witching or ditch-digging story, as well as
the archers, anglers, witchers, and excavators themselves. They knew the
jargon; they spun words that intrigued me most. I was drawn into their
discourse communities by their exclusive language and their odd ways of
telling. In this vein, I wrote “Seed
to Full,” a piece in which a sawyer can tell his story of grief only
through his work
with wood. Another is “Handful
of Throttle” where the sounds of motocross, the slang of that sport, work
together to show the narrator’s awe.
I’ve had the treat of
hearing someone attempt to tell a story and fall short. Not the right
perspective. Not the right sound. And I’ve watched them revise as they
continued or by the time they told it next. I’ve had the luxury of experiencing
stories that were told in surprising and unconventional styles, without rules.
Sylvio could get absorbed in backstory. That chewing-gum aunt would sideline—whispering helpful footnotes as
the storyteller spoke. Sometimes it took a whole neighborhood to tell a story
over a series of days. No wonder I’d love Saunders’s recently published Lincoln in the Bardo, where it takes a
whole graveyard, and more, to tell a tale.
Since his stroke a
decade ago, Dad can no longer move around our kitchen to tell his stories. He’s
lost track of time. Chronology is suddenly unimportant. Gone is his deep
baritone story-telling voice. He can’t clap. He can still talk but some days a
whole story is pared down to a phrase. A word. “Umbrella.” We help him by
filling in, or not.
I recognize the
presence of story in the absence of his old story-telling ways. I am, again,
inspired.
Seed to Full
After you’ve felled the tree and dragged it from the
site and hauled it to the mill, one of the first things you do is scale it,
measure to find out how many board-foot it can yield.
Always measure the small end.
According to the Vermont Log Rule, a log with a
diameter of 11 inches cut into a nine-foot length offers up about
forty-five board-feet. One that’s 36 inches in diameter, same length, should
yield 486 board-feet.
Then you have to grade it.
Check for knots and branch stubs, seams with ingrown
bark, ring shake, gum spots in black cherry.
I’ve started to teach our daughter, Myra, how to
grade and scale and she’s shown promise. She has a head for numbers, for
recall.
We’ve had this business for thirty-five years. My
father sought out permission from the Bishop to start up before I was born, and
he’s been milling every season since. Now I’m sawyer and he’s more known for
his work as a hammer man or sawsmith, fixing our saws and those of
nearby mills, Amish and English.
Myra’s interest lies more in his job. By the time she
was four, she knew the difference between a
cross-peen, twistface, and a doghead. She knew how to measure
blade tension and dishing when she was only eight. It comes natural
to her. To right things. She doesn’t even flinch when he pounds out the saws.
Then there’s the saw kerf, the width
of cut made by the saw. That loss has to be factored in, too.
I can tell you exactly what each cut will do. I
can tell you what type of cut is best for each kind of job: quarter sawn, rift
sawn, flat sawn. I can tell you the type of wood or how wet it is by the sound
it makes when it meets the blade.
What I can’t tell you is how much my wife Hannah’s
been hurt by how I’ve cut her or how wide the kerf is that I’ve laid upon her
heart.
When you marry, scripture says you are joined
together, but in truth, to do that you have to be cut away from your family,
you cut away from yourself. These cuts are necessary.
But I’ve done more than that.
I’ve given her another seed that wouldn’t grow.
My wife Hannah’s like a quarter-sawn board, the kind
that’s best for flooring or treads on stairs—it’s stable, doesn’t easily
produce slivers or warp or cup, like
flat-sawn wood. Flat-sawn’s best only for visual appeal, like my
eldest brother’s wife. Rift-sawn’s the worst cut of all, like my
mother-in-law.
That’s why it was so hard to take when Hannah slammed
the screen door on me after I showed her the casket. I’d
built it straight and true from wood I’d myself sanded and
stained, rubbed with linseed until my hands were raw.
“Too small,” she whispered. Only that.
But little Daniel fit into it easily, despite the
thick blanket she’d wrapped him in. Perhaps she thought her love for him might
somehow expand his small body, might help him to continue his growth,
even underground.
“It’s 31 ½ x 13 ¼ x 11 inches,” I said, as
if to convince her.
Myra stood at my
side. Hannah just stared at us and shook her head, back and
forth and back, again and again.
I used poplar, known for its straight-grain,
uniformity of texture, its light weight—though that never mattered,
for when I carried what I’d made to the grave, my boy inside my box, I could
barely find strength.
I thought Hannah would be pleased.
She’d been the one to find the small stand of poplars
near Sidle Creek. She used to go there and lie on the ground beside
the creek, the swell of our son part of her silhouette, and twirl
their tulip-shaped leaves round her second finger and search
the tops of the trees to spot their blossoms.
But she didn’t even touch the box. Turned
her head when I told her it was cherry stain I’d used.
She’d have none of it.
Originally published in The Fourth River’s Spring ‘16 issue 13. Pushcart Prize Nomination.
______________________________________
Jolene McIlwain’s writing appears in Prairie Schooner online, River Teeth online, The Fourth River, and elsewhere, and has been twice selected finalist in Glimmer
Train's contests, earning an Honorable Mention and Top 25 designation. Her
work was recently nominated for a Pushcart Prize and she’s the recipient a Greater
Pittsburgh Arts Council artist grant. She’s a part-time lecturer at Duquesne
and Chatham universities and associate flash fiction editor at jmww journal. She lives north of Pittsburgh with her son and husband and is
working on a collection of short fiction and novel set in the hills of Western
Pennsylvania’s Appalachian plateau. You can read her tweets @jolene_mcilwain.
“Handful of Throttle” Prairie Schooner online | June 2016
“Angling” Pure Slush Five reprinted
in in Flash Flood Journal | National
Flash Fiction Day ‘16
“Seed to Full” reprint with author’s note at Flashfiction.net
| July 2016
“Seed to Full” audio at The Fourth River’s
“Selections” | Pushcart Nomination | February 2017
“Yes, They’ve Met” River Teeth online |
February 2017
“TwasStrange, Twas Passing Strange” in
“voices” at (b)OINK zine | March 2017
5 comments:
Jolene what a wonderful essay -- the clapping hands, the umbrella. It's such a gift to know you and your work. --Anne
Terrific examination of becoming a writer. This journey feels so universal. Thank you Jolene! And you, Gay. This was wonderful to read today!
Your writing is exquisite, and now I see why. I'm a fan. Please put out a collection soon.
Great Journey essay--love all the coJolen-isms and your story was touching and terrific.
Jolene: "spooled out yarns" Well now, fantastic! Love your work so much.
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